Over the Hill.
By Automattic -- April 23, 2012
Since moving back to BC from Alberta, I’ve turned into a sack of shit. Somehow I gained 10 lbs in the first few months last fall and I’ve been fighting it ever since. Funny to think that back in Alberta I was trying to gain weight.
I’m not entirely sure how it happened. Maybe it was turning 32 that finally fucked up my metabolism. It could be the effects of switching from walking to/from university (10 minutes each) to driving to/from work every day (20 minutes each). Maybe it’s because I sit at my computer for most of the day rather than running frantically around the clinic.
I get it, I’m bitching about minimal weight gain and I’ve got a lot to be thankful for. I’m lucky that I’ve been able to eat the entire A&W burger family twice without having to worry about Type II diabetes. But everyone who has ever been overweight and out of shape started by gaining just a little bit of weight. Constant vigilance, you know.
At any rate, for the second time in my life, I’m attempting to lose weight. Last time was 2003, when I tried the Atkins diet just for shits and giggles more than actual weight loss. It actually worked for a time, but the diet was pretty unsustainable. I still maintain it’s a decent way to kickstart your weight loss if you’re going to do other things like increase your activity and change your diet in a more sustainable way later.
This time my weapon of choice has been the Beachbody Insanity workout series with Shaun T. I saw on Facebook that my cousin was trying it out and he kept posting about how crazy it was. I’m not sure he finished it, come to think of it. I looked it up and saw that it was a workout that promised results and required no special equipment or weights, which appealed to me because I don’t want to spend the time or money going to an actual gym and the gym at my apartment has shitty equipment. All you need is a laptop and some space to work out.
The program is a 9 week program, working out for 40 to 60 minutes six times a week. It’s basically an aerobics class with a lot of focus on planking and jumping. There’s a diet you’re supposed to follow for maximum results. It’s an impossible schedule for anyone who is trying to have some semblance of a life. It’s taken me 16 weeks to complete and I didn’t follow any of the diets.
I have lost maybe 5 pounds, but it’s hard to tell because I swear I can easily eat about 5 pounds of food over the course of the day. I’m not even entirely sure that I’ve improved my muscle definition. But, one thing is for sure, I’m in some of the best cardio shape I’ve ever been in. Shaun T is a fucking monster. Before this, I’d never done a workout that had me on the floor praying for death’s sweet release. It happens regularly now. The sad part is that I can’t even keep up and need to take breaks. I’m gassing out on the workouts without even following along the whole time. If I’d followed the program as prescribed I’d either be in amazing shape or I’d be dead. To be honest the latter seems more likely.
Anyways, I don’t know what inspired me to write about this. Maybe as a suggestion for our two (one? zero?) readers to check it out, maybe just to record this time of my life for posterity. And with that… time to start my second cycle through. Maybe I’ll be able to keep up this time.
Keep British Columbia Beautiful.
By Automattic -- April 21, 2012
So the big news in BC these days is the Northern Gateway Pipeline, and here’s my highly uninformed take on it. Alberta is chock-full of bitumen and we want to ship it to China so that they can make cheap plastic shit we can put in our houses because if there’s anything North Americans love, it’s cheap plastic shit. Anyways, they want to put a pipeline from Northern Alberta to Kitimat and then put into huge fucking tankers and ship it to China. Now, people say that it’s a safe route through the waterways to the Pacific Ocean, and those people would be lying to you and ignoring the fact that we had a ferry (which is much smaller than a tanker, fuckyouverymuch) sink in those very same waterways back in 2006. But hey, you can’t make an omelet without cracking a few eggs. Maybe if one of the tankers sinks, we’ll end up with some eyeless shrimp and other great mutations. That’ll be awesome.
I guess my point of all this is that most people in the country think we’re a bunch of whiny fucks out here in British Columbia. Well we are. But we have reason to be. If you’ve never been to the coast of British Columbia (sorry, Vancouver, Victoria, and the Gulf Islands etc. don’t count, tourists) you don’t really have any place in saying it’s worth spilling a bunch of oil to make a quick buck. That’s because the unspoiled nature of British Columbia is fucking beautiful. We don’t call it “Beautiful British Columbia” or “The Best Place on Earth” because we’re high on weed 24/7. We say it because it’s actually true and a bunch of oil spilled everywhere would really fuck it all up irreversibly. Better to ship it down the Keystone (I’m sure Obama will approve it eventually) to the Gulf of Mexico where they’ve already got mutant seafood.
British Columbia’s natural beauty is in stark contrast to much of Alberta, where many of the pro-pipeline people are from. They don’t get it. I lived there for 3 years and I know why. It’s because you could spill oil all over Alberta (okay, except the Rockies) and it’d be a fucking improvement. Seriously. Fuck Alberta.
Grounded.
By Automattic -- April 20, 2012
Derek’s right. We suck at this blogging thing. We had a great TAG reunion in Portland and we still didn’t write anything about it. I blame Twitter and Facebook for making “microblogging” possible. I can get my stupid thoughts off into the internet so easily. The problem is, my really offensive thoughts build up because I’m pretty sure everyone would un-friend me for some of the stuff I really want to say. So the blog still has a purpose, it’s just somewhat limited these days.
What brings me back to the blog, you might ask? Well, my wife grounded me from the Xbox because our baby is supposed to get born (yeah I just said that) in the next 6 weeks and I still haven’t finished my fucking master’s thesis. I always take 30% longer to do things, folks. Except in bed. That’s when I do things 30% faster than everyone else and jizz in my own face.
Without my Xbox, I feel like my life is empty. I fear the day that my child is born and the result is an Xbox-sized hole that a child can’t fill. That’s when I guess I’ll just leave a note on the fridge saying “See you in 18 years, good luck” or something like that. I’ll fucking do it, I swear. I just got into Mass Effect 1 and it’s already taking forever, how else am I supposed to finish Mass Effect 2 and 3? This kid better keep her mouth shut and her diapers empty while I’m on watch. Daddy’s got more important things to do, like saving the universe.
Holy hell…
By evil derek -- April 14, 2012
For the first time since, well, the beginning, we didn’t post at least one entry in a month. It’s been two months. We suck. Given that the site has been down for 10 days and only I knew it, I am guessing that if anyone is going to post now, it’s got to be me. I’m the only one with time to play the video games, write the posts, and generally be irresponsible. This is what (impending) fatherhood has done to Matt and Jason. I must carry the torch or no one will.
First order of business — I am changing the fucking template. It’s been 6 years. The code is outdated. It was designed for a monitor showing 800×600. It has fucking popup comments, for shit’s sake. This has gotta change.
Second order of business — I will proceed to write useless drivel about my angst until such time that Matt and Jason come back and write again. I figure this might be a while and it will consist of baby blather. Actually, it better not. I block baby talk on Facebook and I will, so help me Jesus, shut this blog down if it becomes dedicated to children and their “wacky and adorable antics.”
Passive Aggressive Statement of the Evening
By Automattic -- February 16, 2012
As an apology: I’m sorry… (that your mother is a fucking moron).